With all my heart I love my children. I love Grace, because I believe she is meek and honest. I already know that she is blissful and yet intense in thought. I love Hope, because she is impulsive. I know that she is very strong but needs tender moments daily from her mamma, pappa and sister. I know them in my heart. My heart has been filled with their love and with the love they have brought to me from heaven. They are now about 1lb each. From the ultrasound we can tell they have big feet, beautiful big eyes, round cheeks and little button noses. We can see their little round tooshes that meet their chubby thighs and their ever moving legs. They move and play all day long, especially after the yummy treats I give them after dinner. They are full of life! And share this with Chris and I everyday. We love them deeper and even more profound with every new thing we learn about them.
And yet with all my heart I feel deep sorrow, terribly deep sorrow, that I never new could exist in me. It is not despair, nor anxiety. It is not hinted with anger or jealousy. But the sorrow comes from my heart loving my children to the point of never wanting to let them go. Yesterday my mom asked me, " Luci, is it not enough that I am praying that you may just hold your children?" And I blurted "NO! It isn't enough! It isn't enough that I can only have them for an hour, a day, or two days if they are born. I want them forever with me!" My heart exploded with love. It overflowed with this love of my children.
"Lord, why must you possibly take them from me? Why must the odds be so against us? Why must this be a looming pain in our hearts for us? I do love them! I love them with my whole heart! I would never be able to let them go. Can you hear my cries, Lord? Can you see my whole heart and how it aches to be with my children? I love you too, Lord! I try so desperately hard to be faithful to my prayers and to consoling your heart. I know that your heart aches too Lord. I believe that this pain I have is small compared to all you have suffered. And I know I could have chosent the easier path to all of this. I could have chosen to not continue the pregnancy. I could have chosen to not want to accept our children. But I have listened to your call and they have changed my heart! I am not who I was. I am not who I will ever be again because of them! Increase my faith. I am grateful Lord, though it hurts. Because in this I have found my heart to beat harder and stronger for valuing the lives all I meet. Thank you Lord, because this suffering has been beautiful. I have seen those around me who know my girls girls' fight for life and it is changing their hearts for you too. I thank you dear Jesus, because I have found a new love deeper than I have ever known with my husband. We are more in love than when we first met or when received the sacrament of marraige. We are more united as ONE faithful force for our girls and our marraige than I had ever imagined we could be. I am thankful Lord that we have been chosen to carry this load. Because, even though the way of the cross hurt, it was the only way to our salvation. You taught me this. I pray that I can embrace this cross with you. I know you hold it with me and help me carry it, I am not alone.
'Do not be afraid, I am with you. I have called you each by name. Come and follow me, I will bring you home. I love you and you are Mine.' I sing this to the girls everyday, to remind them Lord, that you are carrying this cross with us, and showing us the way home! Our souls find peace in this hope."
And so in the end of a prayer, where I begin so tired and helpless, He lifts me up to continue this walk with Him. He gives me the joy of looking outside of my own heavy heart to know there is a hope that has not been lost or stolen. There is still a love and mission that Grace and Hope are giving us all.
"Thank you Grace and Hope for your act of selflessness in sharing your amazing heart. Thank you for being an example of beauty in your immense strength for life. I love you and you are mine!"
Wow. Such powerful words, Luci. You are amazing. I continue to pray for you, Chris, and your precious little girls. Much love, Lindsey
ReplyDeleteAgain, your words give me a deeper understanding of what HOPE, GRACE, faith, and unconditional love truly are.
ReplyDeleteYou and your girls are always in my thoughts and prayers,
Susan
Luci, you, Chris and the girls are in our daily prayers and rosary special intentions each night. Thank you for sharing your heart and thoughts with us. Know that we love you all dearly in Christ Jesus. He will make all things new! Joe and Jessica
ReplyDeleteLuci, You and Chris have chosen the path less traveled by! I am inspired tremendously by your courage and even more by your example of surrendering to God's will. Your cooperation with His plan has allowed God to change your heart; to make your heart like His! Just like the wax of a candle is consumed as the flame burns brightly, you are giving yourself totally, and the love of Christ is shining brilliantly, touching countless numbers of souls! We will pray that you and Chris will always keep your eyes on Christ so that you can walk on water just like St. Peter.
ReplyDeleteLove and prayers, Aunt Jessica
luci and family, sunday i went to the altar rail of praying hands and we all prayed for the girls strentgh to follow the lords wishes and for you all to be able to endure these times...may god bless you along with my little sisters of saint clare we are praying daily for you all. love gramma tatiana...washington, state
ReplyDeleteto the klare family......your words amaze me and i truly understand the feeling of unconditional love..for your strentgh i commend you ...i will pray for you and for the lord that hope and grace will be able to smile at the parents that love them so... all our prayers and love nevette from arizona
ReplyDeleteThis was such a beautiful entry. I loved your prayer,and was able to find comfort through it, in regards to the emotions I am currently feeling. Your little girls are going to create great change in those who know their story. Hang in there...it is worth it. :)
ReplyDeleteCarly Louden
www.carlyandjay.wordpress.com
Know that the Lord has not given you the spirit of fear. Keep praying that HE gives you strength to carry on. Always in my prayers...
ReplyDeleteLuci-
ReplyDeleteWe just found out about the girls. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I know that your faith in the Lord's plan will carry you through. Know that you can find peace in his word and know that he knows both of their names, and has a plan for both of them.
All our love
Melanie & Chris