These past few weeks have been good. I always wondered how people survived after the loss of the people they love, especially children, spouses, brothers, sisters and parents. And I think I am starting to understand. It is almost unbearable when you think about them. A knot builds up in your chest, and begins to well up with pain. Your throat tightens and breath becomes non-existant. Tears glass over your eyes and you try with all your might to hold them back and not blink, so that not one drop falls. But when you let go, you really let go the tears, you take your first breath, and just say it, " I miss you"; then the knots untie themselves and you can feel free from the pain you have been suppressing-avoiding.
I am daily distracted by life, sometimes good and sometimes bad. The distractions keep me from constantly thinking about my little "Hopee and Gracie". I am constantly repeating the same patterns trying to make purpose of my life. But when someone says their names I feel whole again - I feel purpose. My best friend asked me, "Is it hard to talk about it?" I told her NO! I am just dying not talking about them. That isn't the hard part. I am so proud of them and want to shout to the world, "My daughters are AMAZING!" But this is my reality. I lost the two most precious things that Chris and I have ever loved. It is real. I find myself just wanting to talk about them all the time. I want to cry and I want to sometimes be sad, but mostly I just want to rejoice in how wonderful they are.
I am ashamed to admit that there are bad sides. The hardest is comparing what others have that I don't. That is the only thing I truly struggle with. I wish I could have a healthy pregnancy, healthy children - even if they have runny noses, I wish that I could enjoy my girls coming home and sleeping with Chris and I, snuggled all together in our bed (gulp - tightening throat!). But it isn't time, YET. And those feelings are just passing. I just dream about what life could be like, and I admit a little jealousy. But when I truly think of the joy that comes from every child to their mother and father, I am happy again for them. What our daughters have given us is life for eternity. They have filled our hearts with so much love that will get us to heaven. They have given us the grace of honoring, fighting, and respecting to the enth degree, LIFE!
Today we are here enjoying the gift of life. There will be one day when God calls me and that day I will be with my girls. But until then, I will continue to live, though it can be hard somedays. I will continue to be a daughter, a sister, a friend, a wife, and a mother. I will fall many days and not be who I am striving to be for my girls, but I will get up and try again harder than before.
This weekend Chris and I are celebrating our 1 year anniversary. It has been a very long hard year. I feel like we have been married for 20 years - sorry, honey :). But as I reflect on that day, I am so proud of him. I am so thankful that God has blessed us in our marraige! He is my best friend and the most amazing person I have ever met. From the time we met to today, I always ask "will we always be in love like this?" I am so blessed that I am more in love with him today than the last time I asked that question.
Chris,
Thank you, for being so strong this year. We have made it! =) I know it's not what we planned, but it is everything that we needed. Thank you, for listening to God's Call to love me. I know I was stubborn and a little wild, but you saw through all that and did not give up on me. You provided me a home, a beautiful marraige, and two precious daughters! I love you more everyday - if that's possible - and strive to not only make you happy, but also holy - so we can skip purgatory and go straight to our daughter's arms! I desire that God bless you abundantly here on earth and also in eternity. I thank you for you amazing faith and helping me be the person I am today. Thank you for your complete trust and faithfulness and your unbounded love. Happy Anniversary Honey! Can't wait for many more years of life with you!
I love you,
Luci
P.S. Look at what we have... It's been the best year of my life!
Luci you are truly amazing! This is a wonderful anniversary gift to Chris. You will have children to love and watch grow just try to be patient. We love you and are so happy that you are part of our family. Happy Anniversary!! Love, Linda
ReplyDeletelulu- tears are running down my face. when i think of hope and gracie my throat tightens up like i can't swallow either. i can't imagine your pain, but i do share a morsel of it. i miss them...i yearn to hold them like i did on their birthday. the sweet tenderness of their cheeks and lips are so vivid in my mind. i love to hear you talk about them- it's beautiful and welcome ALL of the time!
ReplyDeleteone day you'll have all your little ones in bed with you telling them about their older sisters. and then one of them will fall of the bed and one will have caca in their diaper and one will pull your hair and one will smack chris....and you'll LOVE every s.i.n.g.l.e moment of it. why? because you know that LIFE is oh-so precious. i heart you to infinity! jac
Thank you for your honesty and open heart that is so full of beauty and strength. Happy Anniversary. You two are a testament to marriage. I love you dearly.
ReplyDeleteWhat an amazing first year of marriage for you two! You have truly lived, loved and learned so much more than most couples. As difficult and heart-wrenching as it has been, I'm sure you wouldn't trade it for anything in the world! It is because of Hope and Grace that you two shared an extraordinary year and you experienced a side of each other that you never knew existed. It reinforced the love and commitment you made to each other a year ago. God has truly blessed you both...as well as all of us...your family and friends...to have shared this past year with you and witnessed your strength, faith, love, Hope and Grace! Happy 1st Anniversary! I love you both and wish you mucho years of happiness!! Love, Aunt Kathy p.s. Happy Birthday, Luci!!!!!
ReplyDeleteDear Luci,
ReplyDeleteI am a friend of your sister Jacqie's from St. Agnes (which I have no idea how you are married and having babies as you are only 10 or so in my memory). :) She posted a picture of your beautiful girls on facebook soon after they were born. I hope you don't mind, but I was just taken by them. I then checked out your blog and was taken by you. You are such an amazingly strong woman, strong in faith and love. You are an inspiration! I had 6 first trimester losses before delivering my 7th baby @ 30 weeks. He is 4.5 yrs today and wonderful. I could relate a teeny bit to your pain, but could in no way imagine what you had/ were going through. I was pregnant when you delivered the girls and was at the same doctor group you were (I love them! They were my docs for Isaiah, too). I cried over your story and really struggeld with it. Then, three days before anticipated deivery, my NST showed no heartbeat. Our beautiful baby boy was born with wings on August 11. Though our stories are very different, they have some similarities. Your words that hit my heart today were "I am just dying not talking about them." I struggle with the very same thing. What is left to say? I do not have fun little updates to send out daily or new pictures as he grows. Luci, I don't think you should at all be ashamed of the "bad sides". They are not bad sides, but human sides. God knows we are human and does not expect us to be perfect. I too struggle with guilt from many of my emotions, but I've decided I need to feel them in order to work through them. If I don't, I surely will never get through this. Jesus showed anger in the temple. We, too, should not be afraid to be human in the face of discomfort. Luci, God be with you, your husband and your journey. I pray I have not been out of place in my comments. Tonight just felt like the night :)
Angie Grieme Johnson
I am a friend of your sister Jacqie's from St. Agnes (which I have no idea how you are married and having babies as you are only 10 or so in my memory). :) She posted a picture of your beautiful girls on facebook soon after they were born. I hope you don't mind, but I was just taken by them. I then checked out your blog and was taken by you. You are such an amazingly strong woman, strong in faith and love. You are an inspiration! I had 6 first trimester losses before delivering my 7th baby @ 30 weeks. He is 4.5 yrs today and wonderful. I could relate a teeny bit to your pain, but could in no way imagine what you had/ were going through. I was pregnant when you delivered the girls and was at the same doctor group you were (I love them! They were my docs for Isaiah, too). I cried over your story and really struggeld with it. Then, three days before anticipated deivery, my NST showed no heartbeat. Our beautiful baby boy was born with wings on August 11. Though our stories are very different, they have some similarities. Your words that hit my heart today were "I am just dying not talking about them." I struggle with the very same thing. What is left to say? I do not have fun little updates to send out daily or new pictures as he grows. Luci, I don't think you should at all be ashamed of the "bad sides". They are not bad sides, but human sides. God knows we are human and does not expect us to be perfect. I too struggle with guilt from many of my emotions, but I've decided I need to feel them in order to work through them. If I don't, I surely will never get through this. Jesus showed anger in the temple. We, too, should not be afraid to be human in the face of discomfort. Luci, God be with you, your husband and your journey. I pray I have not been out of place in my comments. Tonight just felt like the night :)
ReplyDeleteAngela Grieme Johnson
I am a friend of your sister Jacqie's from St. Agnes (which I have no idea how you are married and having babies as you are only 10 or so in my memory). :) She posted a picture of your beautiful girls on facebook soon after they were born. I hope you don't mind, but I was just taken by them. I then checked out your blog and was taken by you. You are such an amazingly strong woman, strong in faith and love. You are an inspiration! I had 6 first trimester losses before delivering my 7th baby @ 30 weeks. He is 4.5 yrs today and wonderful. I could relate a teeny bit to your pain, but could in no way imagine what you had/ were going through. I was pregnant when you delivered the girls and was at the same doctor group you were (I love them! They were my docs for Isaiah, too). I cried over your story and really struggeld with it. Then, three days before anticipated deivery, my NST showed no heartbeat. Our beautiful baby boy was born with wings on August 11. Though our stories are very different, they have some similarities. Your words that hit my heart today were "I am just dying not talking about them." I struggle with the very same thing. What is left to say? I do not have fun little updates to send out daily or new pictures as he grows. Luci, I don't think you should at all be ashamed of the "bad sides". They are not bad sides, but human sides. God knows we are human and does not expect us to be perfect. I too struggle with guilt from many of my emotions, but I've decided I need to feel them in order to work through them. If I don't, I surely will never get through this. Jesus showed anger in the temple. We, too, should not be afraid to be human in the face of discomfort. Luci, God be with you, your husband and your journey. I pray I have not been out of place in my comments. Tonight just felt like the night :)
ReplyDeleteAngela Grieme Johnson
to you both many more years of your blessed life togther... may your love good health and abounded life forever be stonger each day......all my love auntie nevette
ReplyDelete