missin u

Dear Hope and Grace,

I am missing you more than ever, lately. It's weird how these feelings just pop out of nowhere.

I feel as though I had reached a point where missing you wasn't so extremely painful. But I was wrong. The truth is, I think that I just want you here again with all of us. I want the additional chaos of my twins being 1 1/2 year olds.

People may think I am crazy for wanting the chaos, but being your mama is what I am meant to do. Chaos is what I love. It is where I find the most joy. And I guess I just imagine what it would be like if you were here with Maria, Papa and I.

I would be insanely unput together. Who knows if you would get baths, or read stories, or fed healthy appropriate meals. Who knows if I would dress myself on a daily bases or just stay in my robe and drink gallons of coffee through the day just to keep up with you three. Who knows?

But I wish it were true. I wish you were here and we would snuggle in bed as much as you wanted. We would play and sing as many songs we could rattle off and watch how Maria would smile at our silly behaviour. I wish you would run around the house, while i would be chasing you down with Maria in my arms and baby spit up trailing behind me. And when your papa came home we could all tackle him down and he would love it. Oh how I could only wish! We would be happy. There would be countless squeezes and smooches. That I know!

You see girls, your little sister is getting bigger. She is starting to do all of these amazing things. She is 5 months old today and I think I am going to start her on cereal tonight. I wish you were here to celebrate this milestone. I wish you were here for me to celebrate your milestones.

But the voice in the back of my head says, "Now, luci... you know that have already reached the ultimate milestone."

It doesn't matter. I still want to hold you. I still want you. I still ache for you and for our family to be together. (oh, well, hello tears. I thought you would be flooding in right about now)

Oh girls! I am a nutcase! haahaa. At least I can smile through these tears. I have to remember heaven and you are just a prayer away. Maria is going to have to learn how to deal with these emotions of mine, huh? lol...

I love you, girls. I always will.